(The Nationalist, January 2002)
In Ireland, we know how to argue but not how to dialogue. If you want evidence of that, listen to a discussion, current affairs programme or talk-back show on radio or TV. Nobody listens. Each person interrupts the other; people do not address the point at issue but seek to score points with cheap shots.
Argument is about coming out on top, silencing your opponent, being able to say, ‘I won’. The person who argues may win the argument – but lose the truth. So what has been gained? In argument, truth is an early casualty with justice and courtesy following soon after. Argument works on the principle of “an eye for an eye”, and it makes the whole world blind. Those who shout get shouted at. Argument divides people, hardens positions and makes listening less likely.
Argument may also involve posturing and bluffing, but people see through that, so the one who argues loses credibility and people then take what he says with a grain of salt. This could be to his loss when he has a genuine case and is hoping for support. He may fail to get it because he is seen as a grandstander or simply a chancer. Argument messes up relationships and makes people less receptive to one’s point of view.
Furthermore, we still have a good way to go before we distinguish the person from the policy. For example, if someone disagrees with a government policy, we hear the minister responsible sometimes attacked as being in bad faith, not caring, being dishonest and so forth. The attacker presumably hopes by this to push him into saying ‘Yes’ to whatever it is the person wants. A more likely outcome is that the minister will simply dig in and refuse to budge. And the attacker has used up whatever good will there might have been towards him. He has lost out and has himself been the cause of it.
An Englishman by the name of Ernest Gowers wrote, ‘Unfair criticism arouses reasonable resentment, and increases the difficulty of creating an atmosphere receptive of new ideas’. True. There are examples of it every day, whether in family rows, in the media or in social life.
Dialogue is about listening, about trying to find what is true, just, or good in the other’s position. It means seeing the other as a fellow human being rather than as an opponent. It requires clarity of expression, and a refusal to be drawn into the use of personal attack or offensive bitterness. It recognizes that we might have something to learn from the other. It unites people and makes friends. It knows that those who listen are listened to. Dialogue recognizes that communication is more about the ears and the heart than the mouth and the mind.
All of the above applies equally well to women as to men!