(The Nationalist, 5 September 2003)
A little while back, I met a boy of about six years who made an impression on me. He said please and thank you, he asked for permission, he was respectful towards his parents. In short, he had good manners. He was also, I should add, relaxed and happy, secure and peaceful, and enjoyed playing games with his friends.
I asked myself why he had made such an impression on me, and I think it was because it is not common to find a child who is well trained. What is common among children is rudeness and thoughtlessness towards others.
An American woman called Barbara Kingsolver wrote, ‘Be careful what you give children, because sooner or later you are sure to get it back.’ She was right. Recently, I heard a tall, heavily-built man shouting loudly and roughly at a child of about two years of age. His manner would have been extreme with someone of his own size, but it must have been frightening for an infant. I don’t think the man was aware of doing anything wrong; I suspect it was his usual way of saying anything with emphasis. Just a little later, a woman opened up on another child in a tone which I can only describe as menacing, and loaded with the implication that, if she did not get her way, she would make the child suffer. Those adults, it seems to me, need not be surprised if, when their children become teenagers, they scream and shout at the parents in the same way. And if the parents object, their children can truly answer, ‘You taught me’. Children learn by imitation.
Children need training. If they are to learn, they need to be taught. Left to themselves, they will learn little. Parents have a necessary role. For example:
- Training a child to sit at table and eat food in a civilized manner is one of the basic rituals of culture. It changes a child from a self-centred, grabbing infant to an adult who thinks of others.
- Training a child to speak coherently, making sense, without muttering, swearing or shouting enables the child to communicate, an elementary requisite of humanity.
- Training a child to close a door, neither leaving it open nor slamming it, teaches thoughtfulness.
- Training a child to say please and thank you teaches respect.
- Training a child to use a toilet properly, and to clean it up if s/he messes it up, is a step towards maturity.
Training leads to habit; habit leads to character; character makes adults.