(The Nationalist, 10 March 2000)
The family row is a long-standing human institution. It features in soap operas, films, Abbey Theatre productions, autobiographies, memories and recollections of Irish life and, most of all, in the reality of life itself.
Family rows are awful experiences with few redeeming features. They may leave lasting wounds, anger and bitterness which can scar people for the rest of their lives. But there is another side to them. A good row may be better than a bad peace.
An example of a bad peace is keeping up appearances, pretending that everything is fine, when the truth is that it is not. Sweeping issues under the carpet in the name of keeping the peace is not a good answer to a disturbed family situation. Keeping up appearances is like telling lies; it puts a relationship on a false basis, where people pretend to others, and even to themselves, that things are different from what they are. Such dysfunctional relationships may be maintained, even at the cost of huge suffering to those involved, simply because people don’t know any other way of dealing with them.
There are a number of approaches that can help. One is to separate issues from personalities: if it’s a problem about money, keep it at the level of money and don’t turn it into a personal attack. Confine it to the issue in question: don’t exaggerate or generalize, saying, for instance, ‘That’s typical of you! You never think of anyone but yourself’.
Another point is to recognize that most problems in human relationships are about communication – and the most important part of communication is listening, not just to the words with the ears, but to the thoughts with the head and the feelings with the heart. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ may be more than a question about tea; it may be a peace offering. ‘You’re taking me for granted’ may mean ‘I’m tired and I feel that I have too much to do’. Listening also means not interrupting the other but letting them say their piece. No one really wins an argument though arguments often cause what is true and good, what is precious and beautiful, to be lost. Where there is dialogue everyone is a winner.
Try to define clearly what the difference is about… and what it isn’t. Narrow the areas of difference. Remember that conflict is often a difference of opinion, or of preference, rather than a simple matter of right and wrong.
Say what your feelings are, what your problem is. ‘I have a problem; I feel belittled when you laugh at my opinions in front of others.’ You’re saying that it’s your problem; you’re not saying, ‘You’re patronizing me.’
If you’re angry, think about what’s causing it and then say that. Hurt comes first, then anger. So talk about the hurt; that may help to bring the other person to you in sympathy.
If a problem is a big one, it can help to break it down into several small ones. Tackle one problem at a time; success with one helps to create a positive atmosphere for dealing others.
Be generous. There are very few matters that are worth a full-scale battle. Save that for the fundamentals. Be prepared to give ground.
Small things matter. Work at them together, and the big things will be much easier to cope with when they come.