(The Nationalist, 9 February 2001)
Ireland is changing rapidly, in some ways for the better, in others not. But, either way, each generation has to be given the faith afresh; it doesn’t come with the genes. In Ireland, as elsewhere, before there were any schools, it was in the family and the local community that faith was passed on.
It doesn’t make sense to say that it’s best to leave the children alone, and let them make up their own minds about it when they grow up. They will do that anyway, but how can they make an informed, intelligent choice if they have never been taught it to begin with? They would have no basis on which to make a decision. (Would anyone say, ‘I won’t send my children to school; that would be imposing my own values on them? Let them make up their own mind about school, or caring for their health, or telling the truth, or not stealing and so on, when they grow up.’) It is better to give children the best of what we have in any aspect of human life, so that, when they grow up, they will be able to make an informed, intelligent choice that they can take responsibility for and live with.
We may think it’s too difficult to do this, but look at it this way. No matter what we do, we pass on values. If we say nothing, we are saying that religion is something that people don’t talk about. If we do nothing, we communicate the idea that religion isn’t something that people do anything about, and that will surely be understood by children as saying that religion is something that doesn’t matter. There isn’t any neutral ground: whether we like it or not, we are communicating something to our children about faith. We communicate either belief or unbelief. And whatever we give or children, they in turn will give to us later on.
How we communicate: relationships. Religion is more caught than taught. Children are sharp observers: they don’t miss anything; they see and grasp what our values, priorities, attitudes and assumptions are. The kind of relationships we create at home are important, indeed more important, than anything we say: if there is forgiveness in the home, children can grow to believe in a God who forgives; if there are family meals shared together, it is easier for children to see the Mass as a family meal celebrated with God our Father; if they are given honest answers to questions, e.g. those that relate to human sexuality, such as ‘Where was I before I was born?’ or, ‘What is a womb?’ when they are learning the Hail Mary, they will come to see that faith faces the problems of life and has answers for them. Otherwise they may come to see it as unreal, with nothing to say about ordinary life. In answering their questions, it is better to begin on the human level, without trying to jump in ahead with “God-answers.”
If there is good communication in the family, especially a lot of listening and only a little talking, children can grow to see prayer as communication with God. Communication is more about the ears and the heart than about the mouth and the mind.
(This article borrows from the 1980 pastoral letter of the Irish bishops, Handing on the Faith in the Home, and How to hand on Faith to your Children, by Mickey and Terri Quinn, Veritas, Dublin, 1983)