(The Nationalist, 29 December 2006)
What is the biggest problem facing Ireland today? I believe it is the breakdown in marriage and family life. That takes many forms. There are the obvious ones, where a marriage is broken by divorce, or a couple live together outside of marriage, or the solo parent phenomenon. There is also the situation where the parents are married and live together, but opt out of parental responsibility. (This latter is not about both parents working outside the home. They can still be effective parents, giving love, guidance, and correction to their children.)
I’m thinking of situations where children are involved in vandalism, and parents respond with a blank denial or a demand: ‘Prove it!” Or, if you drive on a suburban road after midnight, you may see children as young as 12 asleep on the pavement, easy targets for sexual predators. Where are the parents? Are they in bed, ready, if challenged, to say they didn’t know anything? Who gave the children the money to buy the drink and drugs in the first place? Are the parents themselves in the pub? In this age of political correctness, is there anyone to challenge them?
What about a girl of sixteen, who, after the break-up of her parents’ marriage, is told by her mother’s new boy-friend, to eff off because he doesn’t want her? Her father’s new girl-friend is alright, but the agreed arrangement is three days a week with one parent and four with the other. When her step-father rejects her, she goes to her grandparents, but they phone the parents to come and collect her, so she has taken to sleeping rough, and has attempted suicide three times. Her health and her education have deteriorated, and her future must be bleak. I find it hard to fathom the sheer uncaring selfishness of parents who do that to their child.
What about the solo mother of one child who takes in a new boy-friend, a man who has served a sentence for child sex abuse? She says it’s safe to leave her young child alone in the house with him because he has changed his ways.
One could go on and on with a litany of such situations. Everyone knows them, unless they are daydreaming. Some people choose to do so, and pretend that, if such problems exist, they must be on the other side of the moon. Where I know of abuse or neglect, the worst thing to do is nothing.
A change I noticed on returning to Ireland from Africa was that some parents seemed afraid of their children. (In my time, children were often afraid of their parents – that wasn’t good either.) They seem driven by guilt, and respond by permissiveness towards misconduct, and by giving children lavish presents and too much money. I have often seen parents justify behaviour by their children which I believe they knew was wrong but lacked the courage to challenge. A restaurant near me bears the notice, “Under-18s not admitted.” The two are connected.
Thank God, there are also good families, and they are easy to recognize. Father and mother are married, they share in parenting, they communicate with each other and their children, they live by standards and expect them of their children. Those children are secure, and know it. Families like that don’t just happen; they are made.
For those in a hurry: ‘Be careful what you give children, for sooner or later you are sure to get it back.’ (Barbara Kingsolver)