by Paul Anderson and Owen O’Sullivan.
This article was first published in the newspaper Donegal on Sunday on 16 November 2008, pp. 24-25. It was subsequently published also in The Capuchin, No.40, (2009).
(The Furrow, July 2009, pp.415-418)
Imagine for a moment a man alone in his bedsit, his head in his hands, in poverty, childless, helpless, and in despair. This is a scene from A Far Cry, a play about a hidden societal problem that gave birth to Forever Fathers in County Donegal in 2001. Forever Fathers is a support group for divorced, separated, and unmarried (non-resident) fathers founded by two community workers who are separated fathers. They found that, in contrast to women in the same situation, there were minimal supports available specifically for men, and that separation often results in a father not seeing his children. Homelessness, financial poverty, social alienation and isolation, depression, alcoholism, drug-taking, domestic abuse or suicide, are all part of the picture.
Non-resident fathers may find that the mother sometimes acts as a “gatekeeper,” preventing them from exercising their legally-entitled guardianship, joint custody, or access rights. They experience systemic discrimination, and endure negative media perceptions of “deadbeat dads” who, unlike them, don’t wish to see their child or pay maintenance. Thankfully, these perceptions are mostly untrue: many fathers have a reasonable relationship with their ex-partner and play a full part in their children’s lives. Some don’t have such a relationship, but still see their children regularly.
However, many fathers are not allowed to see their children. The mother may utilise her discriminatory constitutional and systemic advantage against him. Courts rarely penalise a woman for preventing court-granted access, for making unfounded allegations (sometimes of child abuse), or for assault and abuse. On the other hand, courts do imprison fathers who cannot afford to pay child maintenance, or who break access. Many judges in family courts have minimal family law training, making their rulings uninformed and non-standardised. It is common that in camera family courts operate illegally as they are attended by Gardaí, solicitors, and others who have no legal right to be there. Moreover, their confidentiality insulates judges’ decisions from public scrutiny.
The mostly male Garda are more sympathetic to the mother, and the mainly female social services often display an anti-male attitude. Health, community, voluntary and legal services are friendly to women in this situation, but not to men.
In the worst scenario, the unmarried father, even if named on the child’s birth certificate, has only two legal rights – to pay maintenance, and to be informed if his child is given up for adoption – which he can’t stop! Some mothers have been known to give their child up for adoption rather than have a loving stable father and his family bring up his own flesh and blood. To be a loving father he has to endure prolonged and costly battles in biased courts at his expense, while the mother can use legal aid, or prevent him from seeing his child. Paradoxically, the child’s grand-parents have an entitlement of up to twenty-six hours access per month, while the father has none at all!
The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (Article 9.3), which Ireland has signed, states, ‘Parties shall respect the rights of the child who is separated from one or both parents to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child’s best interests.’ On numerous occasions in the courts, Ireland has violated this provision by not ensuring a child’s and a father’s right to be together.
One of many heart-breaking stories told at meetings of Forever Fathers was by a body-builder who broke down in tears because he had not seen his daughter for months. He had left his partner, who had violently attacked him throughout their relationship (he was too ashamed to report this and “man” enough not to defend himself!) The mother relocated to Dublin with the child to live with her relatives (some of whom were heroin users), the father alleging that there were needles and blood in the house, with the risk of infection to the child. He reported this to Social Services, who, on investigation, found nothing wrong! After driving 240 km. to Dublin, Christmas presents in hand, his ex told him he was not seeing his child, and slammed the door in his face, even though he had a court order granting access. On contacting the Gardaí in Dublin, he was told to go back to court!
No political party or major figure in Irish life is willing to tackle these issues. Some politicians are themselves separated, but their position and wealth has sheltered them from homelessness or the precarious legal and financial difficulties that most non-resident fathers endure. In fact, the most notable Irish person involved in fathers’ rights equality is Sir Bob Geldof who wages his battles in England, where the law is more favourable to fathers. Many fathers like Bob have sacrificed much of their lives through their fatherly love and commitment, regularly travelling hundreds of miles to spend quality time with their child, or by fighting expensive court battles for them. Moreover, these access issues negatively affect women, too, such as grandmothers, aunts, and female cousins, or the daughter herself.
Many sociological and psychological studies describe the importance of a positive male role model in a child’s life, and the psychological damage caused by poisoning a child against a parent (Parental Alienation Syndrome), which often occurs and is a recognised form of emotional abuse against both the child and the father.
So what does Forever Fathers do? Its strength and purpose is to support men seeking access to their children. Men come to meetings from all situations: some have come previously and are comparative veterans; some are in the middle of their quest to see their kids; some are newcomers who have had an unfounded barring order made against them out of the blue, making them ill-prepared, homeless, childless and often depressed, while they wait months for a decision to be made on access. To many, their first meeting is a scary experience, especially when emotions are shared, but, finding that they are not alone, they have benefited and turned their lives (and their children’s) around.
The group is facilitated by a committee member. Participants tell their stories in turn, uninterrupted; participants follow up with supportive questions, and share their collective knowledge and experience in confidentiality. The stories are met with empathy, sympathy, humour – or disgust – depending on the case. Sometimes a man would lift his head and say he had been falsely accused of abusing his child; his local community has heard the whispers, and his name is blackened. People say, ‘There is no smoke without fire’, even though there is smoke and no fire where the man is innocent and the mother goes un-punished. The group is respectfully non-judgmental, and treats each father as being the best he can be in the circumstances.
Sometimes the group re-enacts a court case to prepare the father (who may have never been in court before) for the incisive, cutting, and often deliberately provocative questioning and allegations he will meet there. Other times they discuss the way forward on how to create change so as to be treated equally to their former partners in Irish society.
Forever Fathers is more than just an ordinary support group. From the ground up, they are making people aware of their plight. They have held seminars, information days, residentials, parenting courses, socials and surveys, and lobbied politicians and the media. In 2007, they produced a handbook called The Rights and Responsibilities of Non-Resident Fathers, designed to help men in this situation; it is distributed free throughout the community and statutory sectors. Most recently, the handbook was used in A Far Cry, a drama about separation and suicide, where the Canadian-developed anti-suicide methodology Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Techniques (ASIST) used by a friend, saves a separated father from suicide by helping him to realise that there was a future for him, if he sought and accepted support. Recently, it played for a week to enthralled audiences throughout Donegal. Sadly, only one politician saw it. By a cruel coincidence, on the night before the play, a non-separated male member of her party took his life on his sixtieth birthday. The politician commented that the drama should be shown to everyone, including schools. Indeed, the previous day, a group of teenagers watched it in deafening silence, and actively participated in a question-and-answer session. After seeing it, a grandfather put his arms around a member of Forever Fathers, whom he had not met before, and said, ‘Youse saved my son’s life. Thank you.’ The play was developed from the stories of members of Forever Fathers, and scripted and researched by Blue Eagle Productions. The producer himself participated in ASIST training, as have many members of Forever Fathers, giving the drama real power and substance.
A founder member of Forever Fathers, influenced by its members’ predicaments, completed a Master’s thesis entitled An Investigation of the Needs of Non-Resident Fathers in County Donegal. Among the findings was that separated fathers’ mental health factors point to a high risk of suicide. In Ireland, 80% of suicides are by men. Anecdotal evidence points to relationship breakdown being a major contributory factor to it. The lack of support, the financial and legal penalties incurred, homelessness, and separation from the children they love, and who up till then were part of their everyday life, all put a non-resident father in a high-risk suicide situation.
He communicated his report to local and national media, to politicians, and to community and statutory sectors. It was ignored. Until politicians grasp the nettle, the situation will worsen, as separation is an increasing problem in Irish society. The work of Forever Fathers, and clips from A Far Cry, will be televised nationally by RTE on Nationwide in November.
Forever Fathers wants Article 9.3 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child implemented; it wants family courts replaced by mediation and statutory services made equitable. It wants an end to discrimination against non-resident fathers.
For more information on Forever Fathers email foreverfathers@donegal.net.