(The Furrow, May 2010, pp. 293-297)
Mention the words domestic abuse, and, to most people, they conjure up an image of a man beating his wife or female partner at home. That image – ugly, disturbing, and true as it is – is only half of the picture. There is another half, an unacknowledged one, illustrated by these statements from victims:
‘She stabbed me in the back with a dagger, and it was several days before my family knew whether I would live or die.’
‘I am a mother. My heart is broken. My handsome son of twenty-five, victim of domestic violence, was murdered by his long-term girlfriend.’
‘She alienated the children from me, and encouraged our daughter and son to abuse me also.’
‘She controlled all of our finances; I had to beg for money.’
‘She made false allegations about me, and humiliated me in front of others.’
‘Behind closed doors life is a hell on earth for me and the children.’
‘I stayed to protect the children. I knew that if I left them I would lose them.’
Male victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life, all social backgrounds and cultures. They are removed from their homes, or asked to leave, often because it is the easy option. They are frequently stressed, become depressed and suicidal, and unable to function in the workplace. They are disbelieved, often simply because they are men. They are not treated equitably by State agencies. They need help but often get further abuse from society.
In 2005, the National Crime Council published a report, based on a random sample of 3,500 adults, the first large-scale study of the nature, extent, and impact of domestic abuse in Ireland. Among their findings were these:
29% of women, and 26% of men suffer domestic abuse of some kind;
13% of women, and 13% of men suffer physical abuse at home.
The Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service, in a 2001 study based on 530 clients, found that 26% of domestic violence was perpetrated by men, 41% by women, while 33% was mutual. Accord, the Catholic marriage advisory service, in a 2003 study based on 1500 clients, found that 23% was male-initiated and 30% female-initiated, while 48% was mutual. Both studies were based on couples in counselling. Significantly, 84% of women and 74% of men agreed with their partner’s responses to the questions, suggesting that the reporting is reliable.
These findings astonish many people, who find them hard to believe, as they go against the stereotype of male perpetrator and female victim. A partial explanation for this may be found in the National Crime Council’s study, which found that, while almost one in three women reports domestic abuse to the Gardaí, only one in twenty men does.
Abuse takes different forms – physical, psychological/emotional, financial, and sexual.
Recorded physical abuse by women includes:
spitting, pulling out hair, scratching, biting, kicking, giving black eyes, burning with cigarettes, pelting or beating with anything that comes to hand, and dumping boiling water;
attacks often occur from behind, or when the man is asleep, such as stabbing him in the eyes.
Psychological/emotional abuse includes:
public humiliation of the man by name-calling, foul language or comments on his sexual “performance”;
alienating his children from him by, for example, preventing him from seeing them, and then telling them that, since he hasn’t come, it can only be that he no longer cares about them;
ordering him from the house, changing the locks, and then accusing him of abandoning them;
spreading false accusations that he has sexually abused his daughters;
taunting him by saying that the children are not his anyway;
pouring contempt on him for not defending himself against her violence, trying to goad him into hitting her, saying, for instance, ‘You haven’t the guts to stand up for yourself.’
Physical injuries, such as broken ribs or fingers, usually heal quicker than psychological ones, such as loss of self-esteem.
Financial:
some men have had to bribe their former partner when they tried to avail of court-granted access to their children;
others have been threatened that their wife/partner will spread allegations about them around the locality unless they pay her whatever amount of money she thinks she can get from them;
sometimes a man has been driven from the home which he owned before the marriage, has had to provide himself with new accommodation, and pay maintenance to his wife who now has a new live-in boyfriend in his former home. He may be required by the courts to do this even if he is unemployed, and men have been jailed for being unable to do so; hearings on maintenance variation orders are adjourned frequently but he is still bound by the first arrangement;
forging the husband’s signature on cheques, emptying a joint account, running up bills in his name, lying to a doctor about his stressed condition so as to try to have him “sectioned” as mentally ill, thereby giving her control of the family finances and business.
Sexual assaults, such as kicking in the testicles, are reported by some men. In many of these, alcohol is a significant contributory factor. (For lots of Irish people, that excuses almost anything. In some cultures, alcohol is an aggravating circumstance, not an extenuating one.)
These abuses are compounded by responses from social workers, solicitors, Gardaí, court officials and judges; they range from derision and mockery to simple dismissal. One man said, ‘All I got from social workers was abuse; they think it’s only women that suffer.’ A child psychologist told a father she was recommending a reduction in access to his children for the reason that he was under stress. He replied that he was under stress because his access to them had already been reduced, and he pleaded to be allowed more time. He was refused. When a man complains to an official that his wife beat him, a common reaction is, ‘What did you do to make her react like that?’ Faced with such responses the man feels that he cannot win; he is not believed. These Catch 22 situations are intensely frustrating and drive some men to despair. In this regard, attitudes are perhaps beginning to change, but slowly. (In passing, I wonder if, in years to come, some men may not be able to demand compensation from the State for their abuse and humiliation at the hands of public servants.)
Why do men stay in abusive situations? They do so for the same reason that many women stay in them – for the sake of the children, to protect them from violence, and to maintain a link which is always difficult, and sometimes impossible, to maintain if they leave the home.
Despite the evidence, the reality of female abuse of men has had only limited impact on the public consciousness. In 2008, COSC, the National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence, found that 54% of people felt that domestic violence by women against men was not common. Men commonly experience rejection, ridicule and disbelief when they say they have been assaulted by their partner. Another study found that 89% of male victims felt that the Gardaí did not take their complaints seriously. Only 7% of women abusers were arrested, and none was subsequently charged. A judge said to a Guard who had been a victim of his wife’s assaults for many years, ‘Do you expect me to believe that you, a defender of the nation, would allow this small woman to abuse you?’ Another judge said, ‘I won’t give a barring order against your wife, or any other woman for that matter.’ A solicitor advised a male client, ‘You might as well leave the house. You will never get a barring order against a woman.’ And a doctor, to whom a man went for treatment for injuries resulting from his wife’s assaults, said, ‘I’m sure you don’t want to talk about this.’ In a conflict with his wife in court, a man is simply not believed. These reactions isolate him, making it difficult for him to speak out.
What many men find harder to take than the abuse itself is the knowledge that they are caught in a trap from which there is no escape (except for those men who seek it through suicide, a permanent response to a temporary problem.)
If a man strays near the fringes of the law, he will feel its full weight against him. For example, if he defends himself against his wife’s attack by holding her arms, she may accuse him of assault, showing her reddened arms as evidence; it’s his word against hers and, because of public perceptions, she will be believed. He will be branded a wife-beater, so, apart from likely being jailed, his reputation is ended. In future hearings, for instance about custody or access to the children, he will be described as a man with a history of domestic violence. Would any court then give him access?
If he stays entirely within the law, he will find that it does little for him. A court may grant him access, but, if his wife refuses it anyway, courts do not enforce their orders in domestic cases. He may have protection, safety, or barring orders made against him at hearings of which he was unaware, and consequently unable to contest. There are men who first heard of this when they received a letter in the post, or a visit from the Gardaí ordering them to vacate the family home immediately. If a man takes his wife to court for falsely alleging that he sexually abused their daughter, or to defend himself against any other false allegation, experience shows that his chances of success are virtually nil. A judge in a court case in 1990 summarized the situation about men’s rights in Irish law, saying, they were ‘so minimal as practically to be non-existent.’
There are few support groups for male victims of domestic violence. There are no refuges for battered husbands, while there are many for women. One battered man who asked for help from a women’s shelter was laughed at.
Relationships involving domestic violence usually break up, as the lack of communication between the couple brings counselling or mediation to a rapid halt. Domestic violence is wrong – no matter who does it. It’s a human issue, not one of gender. It’s essentially about power and control. It hurts everyone in the family. There are no winners in it, only losers all round. The Irish solution to this Irish problem is often to sweep it under the carpet and keep up appearances, pretending we didn’t know. Why does a society which speaks so much of equality continue to practise and defend such clear-cut inequality in society and before the law? What human basis is there for such a double standard? To change the situation we need to start by looking at the full picture with open eyes, not only at half of it.