(The Nationalist, 13 August 2004)
Here are some ways that may help to make conflict constructive rather than destructive:
- Show respect for each other: no insults or interruptions. Listen with heart and head.
- Remember that conflict is more often a difference of opinion, or of preference than a simple matter of right and wrong. Don’t be self-righteous.
- Agree more than disagree; narrow the areas of difference; avoid exaggerations and gener-alizations; don’t personalize a difference of policy. Try to define clearly what the difference is about… and what it isn’t.
- Say what your feelings are, what your problem is. E.g., ‘I have a problem; I feel belittled when you laugh at my opinions in front of others’. You’re saying that it’s your problem. You’re not saying, ‘You’re patronizing.’
- Look for the deeper problem which may lie below the surface. ‘It’s your turn to take the children to sports’ may mean ‘You’re taking me for granted’, or it may mean ‘I’m tired and have too much work to do.’
- If it’s a big problem, break it down into several small ones.
- Tackle one problem at a time. Otherwise it’s a mess going nowhere. Maybe tackle a small problem first, to build up a head of steam and confidence for facing the bigger one. Success breeds success.
- If you’re angry, think about what’s causing it, and then say that. Hurt comes first, then anger. So talk about the hurt; that may help to bring the other person to you in sympathy.
- Propose a compromise. One parent is too strict with the children, the other too easy-going. Work out a compromise in specifics. Similarly with money.
- Be generous. There are very few matters that are worth a full-scale battle. Save that for later. Be prepared to give ground.
- Small things matter. Work at them together, and the big things will be easier to cope with when they come.
(Adapted from Thomas Hart, ‘What conflict can teach us’ in The Catholic Digest, June 1994, pp.132-143)