(The Nationalist, 12 January 2007)
‘I have a right to be happy; I’m not happy now; therefore I have a right to change my life in search of happiness’. Those three sentences, taken together, summarize an attitude that underlies many exits from marriage and family life, from the priesthood and religious orders. They are based on a false premise, namely, that happiness is a right. It isn’t. Happiness is not a right. It is a reward, a gift that follows as a side-effect.
When people say, ‘I have a right to be happy’, they usually mean, ‘I have a right to have my desires satisfied’. (Advertising draws on this and feeds it.) And it’s about as quick a road to unhappiness as anyone could find.
We can learn the truth of this the hard way or the easy way. The hard way is to have it knocked into our heads by the experience of life, by the sometimes bitter and painful discovery that life is not about me and what I want. That discovery is often made at the cost of much suffering to oneself and to others. The easy way is to learn that life is meant to be lived for others. That’s the fast track to happiness. It means forgetting about oneself, and thinking about the other – in other words, to love.
To love is to will the good of the other. That’s a decision, an act of free will which every person can make if they choose. It starts with the conscious decision to do practical acts of kindness towards the other, even when that involves the sacrifice of what one wants for oneself. It does not necessarily involve liking the other person. Doing acts of kindness makes a person kind. Doing loving deeds makes a person loving. Loving people are loved. If you want to have a friend, be a friend.
Those whose life is centred on the self, on the fulfilment of their desires, remain at the developmental level of the baby. A baby will bawl and cry until he/she gets what it wants. That is natural in a baby, and no expects it to be otherwise. An adult is expected to behave differently. The definition of adulthood is to be mature, and maturity is about putting the other before the self.
The gospel summarizes the above very simply when it says that those who seek to save their life will lose it; and those who lose their life for the sake of the other will find it. (See Luke 9.24)
For those in a hurry: ‘To stand on the side of life, we must give up our own lives.’ (Dorothy Day)